Who will stop the cycle??

You know they say when life shows up, “I” show out! It’s annoying and irritating that as much as I want to say “why me”, the real question is, “why not me?” What makes me so special that I’m above life? The problem is how do I deal with life without causing harm to myself in the long run?

It’s a question I have often thought about while eating a WHOLE foot long sub. When things don’t go as they should, I often revert to food as if it has EVER solved my problems in the past. Food has played a big role in my struggle because it has never talked about me. It’s never cheated me out of what I’m due, or given me strife. They say it’s not about the food, but it IS about the food. For a long time, it’s always been a struggle to not only lose the weight, but to witness the ones closest to falling in the same boat. At one point (even a little now), I have  been ashamed to talk about my weight, but my hope is that once it's in the light, it’ll burn. My hopes are many but the top in particular is:

1.       Lose the weight and allow others who struggle in the same area to find the courage to do the same.

2.       Maybe in getting better, I can break the chain of self-destruction in my own family

The reason that breaking the chain in my own family is second is because I come from a family of big people. They’ve always considered ourselves big-boned and sadly, I don’t see that changing. Also, I know I can't make them change; I can only change myself. My grandmother died a few years back due to gangrene and diabetes complications. It wasn’t pretty hearing my grandmother saying some of the most hurtful things I have ever heard her say about herself. Out of respect, I won’t say, but I can’t imagine how she felt all those years. It was mentioned in her last days that she might have been a diabetic long before we ever knew about it. I can see why she would want to hide it, but I really can’t. Due to the fact that she’s always been a “big” lady, it was only a matter of time. I wish I could turn back time and tell it was okay to tell us, but that can’t happen.

I’m not looking to be a size 2, nor do I want to be. But I hope to tell myself others that they don’t have to live that way.